Can't Take This Anymore
by Longing for Oblivion
Summary: Ever since Elle joined the team Hotch has felt more and more drawn to her, though he did his best to ignore those feelings for the sake of his family. However, doing so becomes harder with everyday and when seeing her with someone else soon close to impossible as his jealousy is slowly getting the better of him.


_**Discs.:**__ I don't own anything you recognize from Criminal Minds!  
__**Summary:**__ Ever since Elle joined the team Hotch has felt more and more drawn to her, though he did his best to ignore those feelings for the sake of his family. However, doing so becomes harder with everyday and when seeing her with someone else soon close to impossible as his jealousy is slowly getting the better of him.  
__**Pairings:**__ hints of Morgan/Elle, also mentions Hotch/Haley, will be Hotch/Elle in the end  
__**Genres:**__ Romance, Friendship, Family, some traces of Angst and Suspense  
__**Spoilers:**__ contains spoilers for season one episodes 9 "Derailed", 17 "A Real Rain" and slightly 19 "Machismo", maybe slight spoilers for others__**  
Prompt:**__ Open character prompt (week 1 of November). One BAU agent gets jealous of another agent.  
__**A/N:**__ Well, this took me longer to finish than I had expected for several reasons including getting frequently distracted and having trouble with figuring out how to write some parts and even more so finding a good title. Anyways, besides being my story for the above mentioned prompt, this is also a (rath+er late) birthday fic for Whiitewolf from the Criminal Minds Weekly Prompts forum. Have fun reading!_

* * *

**Can't Fight This Anymore**

The team was about to head back from working on the vigilante case in New York City, but they hadn't taken off yet due to the weather having worsened severely. While waiting Gideon and Reid played chess, and Elle, Morgan and JJ were playing cards. Meanwhile Hotch sat by himself reflecting on the case.

He couldn't help feeling bad for shooting the UnSub, wondering if it had really been necessary to kill him. Sure, shooting him had been justified, after all, the guy had been pointing a gun at them, he had already shot someone and there had been the possibility that he would shoot at one of them as well. And yet that didn't make him feel less guilty, didn't make him question less the choice he had made...

He wasn't sure how long he had been lost in his thoughts when someone's voice brought his mind back to the present.

"You're okay, Hotch?"

Looking up he caught sight of Elle sitting opposite of him. He hadn't even noticed how she had gotten up, had walked over to where he sat and had taken a seat across from him. After a moment of silence he smiled weakly and meeting her eyes he told her,

"Yeah, just thinking..."

"About the case?" Elle mused, holding his gaze.

He gave a slight nod.

Elle eyed him thoughtfully for a moment, a slight frown on her forehead, eventually she pointed out,

"You know, it's not your fault... You had no other choice but to shoot him."

Another weak smile crossed his features, not missing how easily she figured out what was bothering him.

"I know... But that doesn't make it any easier..." Hotch told her after a brief moment of silence.

"It never is..." Elle said and they locked eyes, both remaining silent for some time, getting lost in the moment.

Hotch wasn't entirely sure how much time had passed when the sound of loud thunder broke the spell, bringing both their minds back to reality. Studying Elle's face Hotch frowned and asked,

"Are you alright?"

Elle nodded and replied,

"Just a little tired..." As if to emphasize her words a small yawn escaped her as she trailed off.

"Maybe you should get some rest then... It doesn't seem like we're gonna take off for another while." Hotch suggested.

Elle smiled at him,

"You're probably right."

Returning the smile he nodded and they locked eyes once more, before Elle rose to her feet and he watched her heading over to the couch in the back of the plane to get some sleep. After getting a thin blanket Elle sat down on the couch. She then took off her shoes before laying down, draping the blanket over herself. A moment later she curled slightly up, her back turned towards the back of the couch, and closed her eyes, trying to sleep.

_More than half an hour later:_

While still waiting for the weather to clear enough so that they could finally take off the others quieted down, one by one trying to get comfortable enough to get some rest, considering that it was starting to get late.

Unable to sleep himself Hotch opened his eyes and took a look around the jet, his gaze eventually stopping on Elle, who was by now deep asleep. Studying her face he couldn't help but notice how relaxed and peaceful she looked, and try as he might he couldn't deny that she looked even more beautiful this way than she already normally did. For a while he simply watched her sleeping, watched the slow, regular rise and fall of her chest as she breathed, before getting lost in his thoughts.

As so many times before he wondered once more when he had first noticed the effect her presence had on him, when it had been that he had realized that he was starting to feel increasingly drawn to her, that she was invading his mind more and more often...

If he was honest with himself he knew deep down that he had felt like this for her since the very first day - even though he had tried denying this fact for months.

He also knew perfectly well when doing so had become impossible...

The day Elle had gone to Texas to conduct a custodial interview with a child murderer who had agreed to participate in the ViCAP questionnaire and had, along with some other people, ended up being taken hostage on a train by a psychotic man.

He still remembered the shock he had felt when they had been in the round-table-room, talking about the case, and Gideon had come in, taken a look at the screen showing the security footage from the train and said those three terrible words. _"My God ... Elle."_

"What?" He had muttered with slight disbelief, and looked up from the file he had been reading and back to the screen, a frown on his face.

It had only taken a mere second before he had spotted her, causing him to freeze and draw in a sharp breath as he had noticed almost immediately the cut on her cheek, instantly regretting having let her go to Texas on her own.

When he had heard that second shot from the train all he had been able to think had been, _'Please, God, don't let it be Elle...'_

It hadn't been until he had seen Elle get off the train that he had relaxed slightly.

After everyone had gotten off the train and he had spoken with the paramedics regarding Bryer and his doctor he had headed over to Elle and Reid. Looking at Elle his eyes had once more stopped briefly on the cut on her cheek and he had stated,

"I'll see you at the hospital."

"I'm fine, Hotch, really. I don't need a doctor..." Elle had replied, not looking in the slightest happy at the perspective of seeing a doctor.

"It's regulation, Elle." He had pointed out, looking right into her eyes and seeing her opening her mouth to argue his expression had turned stern and he had told her firmly,

"It's not up for discussion, Elle! You're injured and therefore you're gonna see a doctor - that's an order!" After looking for another long moment at Elle he had turned and walked away, being unsure if he could keep up his composure if he stayed. It had only been when all of it had been over and everything had started sinking in that he had started to fully realize just how much what had happened was getting to him.

He had been lying awake almost that entire night, unable to stop thinking about the day's events. Regardless of how much he had tried to get his mind off the case and get some sleep, the thoughts had kept coming back. Thoughts about how lucky they had been that things hadn't ended worse than they had, that nobody else had been hurt. And most of all, thoughts about Elle. He had been all too well aware that he could've lost her, and that fact had bothered him far more than he had liked to admit to himself. He hadn't known what he would've done if something had happened to Elle, he hadn't even been able to imagine having lost her...

He had tried to convince himself that it was only bothering him so much because his team was like a second family to him. Sure, Elle had only been a member of the BAU for a couple of months at that time, but they had gotten along quite well from the first day. They had quickly come to respect each other and had discovered that they were quite similar in how they were handling their emotions, in their way of thinking - the way they did their job. And given all those small similarities friendship had easily followed.

But as much as he had tried to deny it he had realized in the course of that day and night that what he felt for Elle went beyond friendship, beyond what he was supposed - _**allowed**_, to feel for her. And the realization had come with a great deal of guilt. After all, he was married, he had a little son - he loved Haley and Jack... and yet he couldn't deny the fact that he felt increasingly attracted to his beautiful, brunette subordinate...

However, while he was no longer able to keep denying the attraction he felt towards Elle he did his best to ignore those feelings ever since that day. His family simply meant too much to him as that he could ever risk losing it...

Hotch was disrupted in his thoughts when the jet started moving, causing him to take a short glance at his watch before looking out the window beside him, getting lost in his thoughts again.

After some time his gaze returned to Elle's sleeping form and his mind drifted back to the other evening at the Chinese restaurant, to how Elle had pointed out that they always talked about nothing but work and he had asked her if she was seeing anyone. A brief smile crossed his face as he remembered the look on her face, making clear that he had caught her completely off guard with the question. And while he had mostly asked her to tease her he couldn't deny that part of him really wanted to know.

_Four weeks later at the office, 11 PM:_

Hotch wasn't sure for how long he had already been sitting in his office after they had closed their case, doing paperwork when an exhausted yawn escaped him. Taking a glance at his watch and seeing the time he let out a heavy sigh, being still far from finished with his paperwork. After a moment of consideration he got up to get himself some coffee.

Once he had reached the sideboard in front of the windows in the wall between his office and the bullpen he placed his mug on the cup holder of the Senseo coffee machine. He then proceeded to open the top and put a fresh coffee pod inside. Closing the lid of the pod holder he pressed the on switch of the coffee machine. When the water was finished heating up he pressed the button for that made the machine start filling the cup.

While waiting for his coffee to be ready he looked up, glancing out into the bullpen and frowned as he caught sight of Elle and Morgan walking back to their desks from the break area.

They were talking as they walked side by side and Morgan had an arm around Elle, his hand resting on her shoulder. A cup of coffee in hands Elle looked at Morgan as she listened to what he was telling her, a gorgeous smile on her lips, eyes sparkling, and said something to him. Morgan grinned at her, taking a sip of his own coffee before he responded to her words, his grin widening as his response made Elle laugh. They came to a halt by Elle's desk and Morgan let go off her as she sat down on the edge of it, while he stood in front of her as they continued their conversation.

Watching them Hotch's face darkened, feeling more than just a little jealous, especially when Morgan looked her over with a flirtatious smirk and said something to her, causing her to shake her head with a chuckle and blush slightly.

Realizing his coffee was probably ready by now Hotch tore his eyes away from them and picked up his cup, before turning to head back to his desk.

Sitting back down he tried to calm down, telling himself that he had neither a reason nor a right to be jealous, after all, it wasn't like Elle was his to begin with.

But that was probably exactly why seeing Elle with Morgan upset him so much, because - unlike him - Morgan could actually be with her. And the jealousy and anger he felt due to this fact made him realize once more that ignoring the way he felt about Elle was getting harder and harder with every passing day...

Releasing a heavy sigh Hotch forced himself to push those thoughts aside and focus back on his paperwork, knowing that Haley was waiting for him to come home.

_After the team returned from Mexico:_

Just having finished his paperwork Hotch rose from his seat and started packing up his things, getting ready to leave. Once done he headed for the door. Opening it and stepping out into the bullpen he saw his colleagues standing by Elle's desk, talking.

Elle, who was perched on the edge of her desk, turned to look at him upon hearing him come out of his office and smiling she said,

"Hey Hotch, we all wanted to get some drinks together. You're gonna come as well?"

Hotch hesitated for a moment, knowing Haley was waiting for him to get home, but looking at Elle he smiled slightly and giving a slight nod he replied,

"Sure."

Once at the bar they usually went to they sat down at a table and ordered something to drink. For a while they talked about the case they had just closed and other work-related things, before the conversation drifted to other topics.

After some time Morgan and Elle got up and went to dance together.

Reid and JJ watched them head to the dance-floor and then continued talking with each other, while Hotch kept his eyes on Elle, barely paying attention to their conversation.

Nursing his beer as he watched Elle and Morgan dancing his expression darkened ever so slightly, unable to keep himself from feeling increasingly jealous at Morgan, especially considering just how close they were to each other.

Why couldn't it be him? Why could Morgan have what he himself longed for so much, but couldn't have?

Hotch let out a heavy sigh, reminding himself of precisely why he couldn't have Elle. He was her boss. And what was even far more important he was married, he had a family. He loved Haley and Jack... He knew he was lucky to have a great, understanding wife, who despite his frequent absence from home still loved him, and an adorable, healthy son, after all, he was perfectly aware that another woman would've probably left years ago, tired of putting up with his crazy working hours. And it wasn't like he wasn't grateful for what he had, knowing that not everyone was that lucky - in fact he was endlessly grateful for what he had...

But that couldn't change that he had fallen for Elle, it couldn't change that it was getting harder and harder to ignore those feelings or the fact that he wished he could be with her.

The longer he watched Morgan dance with Elle, their bodies separated by mere inches if not less, the harder it was getting to ignore the growing jealousy boiling inside him, or the urge to ignore all the reasons why he could never be with Elle, why he had to ignore the way he felt for her, and simply give in, to simply walk over to them, draw Elle close and kiss her...

Yet at the same time, regardless of the jealousy and anger the sight of Morgan dancing and openly flirting with Elle made him feel, he couldn't help watching them, his gaze following Elle's every move.

As he kept watching them he felt not only his jealousy grow, but also his longing for Elle - maybe even more so than the jealousy.

For a moment Hotch briefly wondered if his expression gave away his jealousy, and while he doubted it he was still glad that JJ and Reid were so lost in their conversation that they didn't pay any attention to him, before getting lost in his thoughts.

Still watching Elle dancing with Morgan he couldn't help but wonder once more why it couldn't be him in Morgan's place, why Morgan could be that close to her while he himself couldn't.

Sure, he was perfectly aware of why he had to ignore his feelings for Elle but it didn't change a goddamn thing.

If he was honest with himself all he wanted to do was to get up and walk over to Elle, to get her away from Morgan and tell her how he felt, or simply draw her close and kiss her.

And the more he thought about it the more he started picturing actually doing those things...

_'Don't even go there, Aaron! She's totally off limits! You're married, remember?'_ Hotch called himself to order, knowing that letting his thoughts drift to such things won't do him any good - not that any of those facts could change anything about his growing jealousy and longing or the fact that he _**wanted**_ her more than anything else.

Neither did it keep his mind from drifting to all those thoughts about Elle he certainly shouldn't be having...

_Later that night:_

After the others had already left Hotch and Elle were still sitting at the table, talking.

Eventually they decided to call it a day and after paying their drinks they went to leave. As they stepped out of the bar and not seeing any cabs around Hotch looked at Elle and offered,

"How about I give you a ride home?"

Elle turned toward him, meeting his gaze as she considered his words. Eventually she gave a slight nod and replied,

"That would be nice."

Hotch nodded and led the way to his car. Once he had reached it he unlocked it and got in the driver's seat. After Elle had gotten in the passenger seat and they had both put their seatbelts on Hotch started the engine and drove off and into the direction where Elle lived.

When they had reached their destination and Hotch had stopped the car he turned to look at Elle. Meeting his gaze as she unbuckled her seatbelt Elle smiled slightly and said,

"Thanks."

"No problem, Elle." Hotch replied, the faintest trace of a smile on his face, and they locked eyes for a while.

Eventually they broke eye-contact, both noticing the tension that had started building between them, though Hotch kept looking at her, while Elle looked down. For a few seconds they just sat there like that, before Elle broke the silence and asked with slight hesitation,

"Would you like to come in and have a cup of coffee?" She looked back up at him.

Meeting her eyes he thought for a moment, then he replied,

"Sure..."

At that Elle smiled slightly and opened the car-door on her side and got out, while Hotch undid his seatbelt and got out of the car as well. Elle was waiting on the other side of the car, watching him. Once he had locked the car she led him to the front-door.

While following her and watching her get her keys out and unlock the door he couldn't help wondering what the hell he was doing. Not only was it late and Haley was waiting for him to get home, but he was also more than aware that this was probably a pretty bad idea, considering that even he had only that much self-control and he wasn't sure how much longer he could possibly stand being around Elle and ignore the way she made him feel, the fact that all he wanted was drawing her close and kiss her...

After entering the house Elle went to make coffee and Hotch followed her to the kitchen. Once in the kitchen he leaned back against the kitchen-island in the middle of the room, watching as Elle got the coffee machine ready and got two cups from a hanging-cabinet and placed them beside the coffee-maker.

All the while they continued talking.

Turning toward him Elle leaned back against the kitchen counter on which the coffee machine stood.

"So, out of curiosity, did you make any birthday wish?" Elle wanted to know, looking at him.

"Actually I did." Hotch told her with a slight smile.

Elle raised an eyebrow in surprise, then she smiled at him and asked,

"What was it?"

"Something I can't have..." He said, looking right into her eyes, even though he knew his expression, his eyes, would probably give away his vice, his one wanting sin - all the forbidden longing he felt for her... And he doubted Elle wouldn't notice, considering that he simply didn't have the energy to keep his guards up in front of her and even less to keep fighting his feelings for her any longer. But if he was honest he didn't care in that moment, because he knew that it was a losing battle - his feelings for Elle won't fade away, regardless of how much he fought them or tried to ignore them.

Studying carefully her face he found his assumption confirmed, she knew just what exactly it was that he wanted - that it was her he wanted. Probably she also knew just how much he wanted her...

"Hotch..." Elle breathed, surprise written on her face and evident in her eyes as well as her voice, along with something else that made his heart beat faster, because he was pretty sure that it was longing.

Without thinking he stepped closer to her, closing the small distance separating them from each other until it was practically non-existant. Stopping in front of her he lifted his right hand to her face, brushing a strand of hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear, before cupping her cheek as he leaned in, kissing her softly. Despite being sure that he hadn't misread the look in her eyes - despite being sure that she wanted the same as he did, he almost expected her to shy away from him, to push him away and yell at him, maybe even slap him, but instead she leaned into him and kissed him back.

As the kiss became slowly more passionate he moved his right hand from her cheek to the back of her head, his fingers winding into her hair, drawing her closer and deepening the kiss further, while resting his left hand momentarily beside her on the kitchen-counter, before placing it on her hip. Meanwhile Elle lifted her hands and gripped his shirt, pulling him closer.

After some time Hotch abandoned her mouth and let his lips brush over her jaw, before starting to trail kisses down the side of her throat. As he did so Elle leaned her head back, allowing him better access, and let go of his shirt, resting her hands on the back of his neck instead. A moment later a soft moan escaped her as his lips brushed over a particularly sensitive spot, causing him to smile slightly against her skin as he let his lips wander further down her throat. When he had reached the base of her throat he let his lips brush over her left collarbone, before straightening slightly up and returning his lips to hers, kissing her hungrily.

Elle eagerly kissed him back, drawing him closer to her.

A few minutes later Hotch forced himself to pull away - if only slightly, knowing that what they were doing was wrong, that he couldn't let this get any further than it already had. Hell, it would already be hard enough to stop now, to let go of her and leave, pretending none of this even happened - especially since Elle seemed to want this just as much as he did, and he knew that if he didn't stop now he won't be able to keep himself from giving in to the temptation of continuing. Because, as wrong as it was to kiss Elle, crossing the line and sleeping with her would be a whole different matter.

He simply couldn't do this to Haley, he couldn't hurt her by cheating on her. Sure, Haley would never know, but he would know... And he simply wasn't that type of guy. He had never cheated on Haley, he had never even as much as thought about being with another woman than her - well, at least not until he had started becoming more and more aware of the attraction he felt towards Elle.

Looking at Elle he told her,

"We shouldn't be doing this..."

Elle met his gaze and said quietly,

"I know..." She bit her lip, and he could tell that she was forcing herself not to say what her facial expression and eyes revealed - that this fact didn't change that she wanted this, him...

They locked eyes, both of them remaining silent.

"I should go." Hotch muttered eventually.

Elle swallowed hard, giving the slightest of a nod. However, neither of them let go or made a move to pull away from each other.

Hotch knew he should go before his feelings for Elle would get once and for all the best of him, but he couldn't bring himself to move. While struggling to find the willpower to resist the temptation and leave Hotch studied Elle's face and found the longing he felt mirrored in her eyes. He couldn't keep his eyes from flickering to her lips, lips he longed to kiss again and he could tell that Elle was doing the same, feeling her intense gaze trail from his eyes down to his lips.

As they eventually tore their gazes away from each other's lips and looked up into each other's eyes, getting instantly lost in the moment, Hotch moved his right hand to her face, caressing softly her cheek. At his tender caress Elle's eyes flew momentarily shut, before looking back into his eyes.

For a long couple of minutes they just stood there like that, their eyes locked, as he kept caressing her cheek, both of them aware of the growing temptation to just give in to the longing they felt for each other, then, before they even fully realized it, they started to slowly, almost hesitantly close the small distance separating their faces.

When their faces were merely separated by an inch or two they hesitated, their gazes drifting to each other's lips once more. Looking back into each other's eyes they closed the remaining space between their faces, their lips meeting in a gentle kiss, their eyes flying shut.

Resting his right hand at the back of Elle's head and drawing her face closer to his Hotch wrapped his left arm around her waist. Meanwhile Elle leaned into him and moved her left hand up, winding her fingers into his short black hair, while her right hand remained at the nape of his neck, and drew him closer as well.

Before long their kiss, which had at first been slow and lingering, became increasingly passionate. A few moments later Elle started leading him to her bedroom.

As they reached her bedroom Elle removed her hands from the back of his neck and quickly undid his tie, letting it fall to the ground. Only a few seconds later she took off his jacket and started unbuttoning his shirt.

Meanwhile Hotch pulled off her sweatshirt-jacket, before reaching for the rim of her t-shit. He quickly lifted it up and breaking momentarily their kiss he pulled the t-shirt over her head. The moment he had removed it their lips locked again and dropping the piece of clothing carelessly to the ground he wrapped his arms around her once more, drawing her closer, deepening the kiss in the process.

In the back of his mind Hotch knew what they were doing was wrong, that they shouldn't be doing this - that he should leave, but he found it impossible to stop. He simply couldn't fight his feelings for Elle, the longing any longer...

_Fin_

* * *

_**A/N:**__ Thanks for reading! Well, I'm not sure how well this turned out, but I hope you liked the story all the same! I'd be very happy if you take the time to let me know what you're thinking about the story! :)_


End file.
